My life is comprised of little boxes. Everything fits into a box or is compartmentalized into a neat order. Black and white. Very little grey in this world of mine. I organize, prioritize and feel a twinge of anxiety if everything isn’t in it’s place. As a matter of fact, when my husband and I would have a great night out (or have a great night in with friends) it wouldn’t be uncommon to find me cleaning the kitchen at 2am.
So my question the past week has been: Is this type of behaviour something I can change? I mean really change? It has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. And made my life difficult for just as long. Needing things a certain way, getting anxious if they weren’t. It is not OCD, but I think I may be borderline (I say jokingly). Jack wonders why I want to change at all…I mean all the organization in our life helps tremendously. Especially when it comes to packing the kids up for anything. I remember everything…things to do, diapers, food. Oh someone isn’t feeling well? Yup I brought medicine…which type do you need? Bandaids? Got ‘em! Oh we stayed out extra long, no problem! I packed extra snacks just in case. And everyone’s clothes got dirty? Twice? No Problem!
The problem is when someone else forgets their kid needs diapers and has to borrow mine. Or goes into my kid’s backpack at preschool because they know my kid has an extra set of underwear and pants. (Which they didn’t pack for their now-urine-soaked child.) Or sunscreen, or water, or lunch or snacks. And it drives me crazy. And then I pull out the judgy eyes, and thoughts and anger as to why they can’t seem to plan ahead.
I have even gotten mad at Jack. I mean who takes a kid out for the afternoon and forgets the diaper bag? (He came home after a stop at the drugstore for diapers and wipes and snacks and…) Then again he is super easy going, can change plans at the drop of a hat (probably because he hasn’t spent an hour of mental energy gearing up for the necessities of said plans). I don’t like to share and I have a really hard time having other kids come over to my house (hey, I like my white couches and non-finger marked walls!) Sure my kids deal with different rules and know they have to be excused and wipe hands before leaving the table, but I’m also not having to replace furniture and repaint like some of my friends who have kids. My self admitted neurosis are actually making me nervous now. Admitting them to the world makes me feel vulnerable and scared. Don’t judge me. I don’t want to be the one looked down upon. Hey I should know, usually I’m the one judging. Sigh. Judgy judgy judgy. Which is another thing I’m looking to change. How does one rein in the ego and reclaim humility and inward kindness to others? I am kind to others, but sometimes it is while listening to my inner voice scream at them for the stupidity. I think the inner voice needs a time out. In a dark, quiet, padded room. Wine helps to quiet the voices. I think I’ll pour myself a glass while I try to think of a more positive way of dealing with them. Grain alcohol maybe?