Category Archives: Health and Wellness

Naughty.

I’m trying this new thing out with my hair.

It’s fabulous and totally natural.

Fabulous in the way that there are no preservatives, it’s totally kind to the environment and biodegradable.  A great piece for my health and wellness blog. (Sandalwood Life)  It’s non-toxic and doesn’t contain any of the commercial cancer causing chemicals of the regular drugstore brands.

Natural in a way like a wild animal.  Crazy and tangled and OUT OF CONTROL.

Seriously.  Everyone of the 8 blogs I looked up about this product raved about this. EIGHT! (That I’ve consulted this morning…I’ve looked into others on other days, figuring maybe I just didn’t have the mix right…they raved too.)  Maybe raving mad?

I don’t know.  But I’m ready to pull my hair out.

All the now super-thick-feeling, tangle of natural wavy curls.  It sounds almost beautiful.  But the only thing beautiful here is the kindness to the environment.

I’m going to stick with it.  At least until the end of the month.  The biggest complaint people have about this is how your hair goes through a transition period where some people say it gets greasy.  My hair seems to be defiantly skipping that process and is just being naughty. knotty. Ugh.

Instead of a pony tail I try to put my lion’s mane in an elastic to hide it.  Cage it up like an animal.

At least it should make my halloween costume easy this year.  I have my pick of 80s hair, lion, Mogli (think Disney’s jungle book) or lady-from-a-madhouse.  Then again maybe the madhouse thing isn’t that far off.  Think the hospital would take me for an all inclusive, food included, housework free vacation?

Sigh.  But then what would my kids do?

Elastic contained hair it is.

Maybe if I put on makeup people won’t notice.

(Yes the non-natural make-up.  This whole thing is becoming so counter productive…)

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Road Map.

I love silence.

I love peaceful mornings and sleep.

I like s-p-a-c-e away from other people.

Was I truly meant to be a mother?  In this day and age where everything is a choice I sometimes wonder, reflecting back if I took the right road.  Naivety made me think I could have it all.  No, that’s not what I mean…because I do have it all.  I thought I could DO it all.  And be happy, and at peace.  The doing in the having of the babies, and the keeping up with a career, and maintaining self interests like yoga and running and friendships.  I did it all for a year before my second child was born.  What did I learn? You don’t get more fulfilled.  You get busier.  And in the business, you become more organized, to create more time, for more STUFF.  It’s a never ending spiral.

Forget the rat on the wheel.  Society leads us to believe that we as families can get on the wheel…and it will be fun like the carnival.  What they leave out is that it’s the scary kind with those mean, overly painted masked clowns who pop out from behind hidden doors and walls.  Instead of yelling “Boo!” It becomes: “Dayhome cancelled 6am the day of and you have to be at work in an hour! Figure it out!” or “Wham! Car parts need replacing! Can you figure out the logistics of living without a car while having work and appointments and affording the extra $1000 this month!”

So I quit my career.  And we moved internationally.  And I switched from one carnival ride to another.  This time it was having a second baby.  The rush and excitement of caressing my new little one.  Taking in all the sweetness of the way a baby smells and hearing little sniffles and the soft, soft snuggle of skin to skin. This time it felt like one of those rides that spins.  Slowly at first.  So much fun; feeling the fresh breeze of something new in your face.  Then after a while the dizziness starts to seep into your pores.  Sleep deprivation. The bank of patience is dipped into again and again without ever getting replaced and weeks later you find yourself weeping, just wanting off the damn carnival ride.

But that’s not where I was going with this.  I won’t wallow in self pity. There are still hard days but they are fewer and far between.  Everything is getting better and the patience bank is replenished. It took a year, but life is starting to feel normal.  Equilibrium has been set.  Has my body and mind just adjusted to the ride as normal?  My question now arises from a recent houseguest we had.

Everything about their lives was leading them towards kids.  The kindest, gentlest people filled with hope and love and light.  And despite the wanting, and the trying, and the trying, and the trying. Kids weren’t in the cards.  So why us? Jack and I?  I’m not even really sure Jack was for having kids.  He was on the fence with two feet on the green DINK’s grass (dual income, no kids).  And then it just happened.  We weren’t trying, but we weren’t not trying.  Kind of a funny russian roulette.  And although I wanted kids, I didn’t have a good understanding of what that would mean.  Did I evaluate what type of person I am? Nope.  You see I fear people don’t know me for who I really am.

I am filled to the brim with ego.  Which gets triggered into power struggles with a 3 year old.

I love silence.  Have you been around any kids? Ever?

I like everything in it’s place.  Ummm when was the last time you met a child whose play didn’t include the entire living room with throw cushions and coasters and the winter box of scarves and mittens and toques (in the middle of summer)?

I like everything clean. Mashed avocado on the floor and pasta sauce on the walls isn’t the decor that suits my style.

So why me?  I feel so undoubtedly inadequate.  I feel like I need a parent or a teacher or something to teach me how to do this that is my life now.  I love my children.  More than anything else in this entire universe.  More than I love my own life

and my sense of self

and my yoga

and my running

and my silence

and my cleanliness

and my tidyness

and my sanity.

But how on earth did it happen that the universe gave me such a wonderful gift.  To open my eyes.  To open my heart.  And to create a change in my foundation.  When these people that stayed with us were already prepared for it all?  Where  is the fairness in that?

I believe the universe is friendly. Correction. I try to always trust that the universe is friendly.  But it certainly isn’t fair.  And I feel like I’ve won the lottery.  But I don’t deserve it because there were people out there who were hungrier than me.

But what if it isn’t about deserving, or even needing? Maybe it’s not about taking the right road.  Or any road at all.  Maybe it isn’t a choice.  That is just your road. And if we just keep our headlights on, we can see the next few feet.  And if we follow the next few feet again and again it will take us farther until the sun rises and we can look around and see where we have come.  It’s a good place and I am lucky to be here.

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Rock My World.

I have no idea what is happening to me.

I remember a time, back in my preteens when I felt emotionally stable, and had the ability to reason and was humble.  Just this morning I welled up with tears reading about how someone else’s kid had won the kid’s marathon she competed in (this was a complete stranger by the way).  And yesterday when a friend contacted to me to say I’m just not the same recently, and seem less caring and available, I welled up.

It’s like I set myself on some sort of path early on that just didn’t end up where I thought it would.  I followed the path, and instead of ending up in a meadow I seem to be surrounded by stinging nettle and wild blackberry thorns.  I followed the goddamn path! So what happened?

In my search for answers I am devouring anything that comes my way.  Reading Stroke of Insight currently, I am convinced my left brain has hijacked my sense of path.  (It is the side that defines us, holds our ego and provides me with my constantly babbling judgey voice.)  So Left Brain as much as I appreciate your ability to help me rationalize, reason and find my body in space, I am only allowing 1/2 of your input from now on.  Right Brain bring it on.  Let’s be in the moment and be one with the earth (or something).  I’m tired of feeling alone and insecure.  I want to be more connected, to everything.

And all the recent crying…I think it’s my soul wanting a change in direction.  Good thing I am an overly organized/ nurse background/ plan for anything type.  I’m sure I must have packed hedge clippers for the blackberries and Benadryl for the reaction to the nettle. Way to go left brain!  Now shut up so we can get going.

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Eat Shit.

I am currently wondering about my mental stability.  My last two posts have been entitled with scary Freudian reference.  Maybe I need to see a shrink.  Or am stuck in the phalic stage of life?  God knows I change enough diapers…

So I’m just going to come out and say it.  I can’t stand the new fad of “eating clean”.  It’s been eating away me for months *giggle at self joke*.  Seriously though.  Since when did food develop the ability to act inherently “bad” or “good” or be “clean” or “dirty”.  If I wash my “dirty” chocolate bar with soap will that make it clean? Or happen to use the 3 second rule on my “clean” apple does that make it dirty?

I have come to the conclusion that I was blessed with a grand combination of genetics, motivation and general nutrition and fitness knowledge and know how to stay active, athletic and healthy.  My weight is stable. My BMI is well within range and I look fabulous.  (Side note: okay so I don’t think I actually look fabulous most of the time but this is coming from my husband, doctors, friends, and comments I have received from fellow gym members regarding my physical condition.)  So it can’t be half bad.  The truth is I eat healthy, whole foods, most of the time.  I only eat when I am hungry. (Trust me there are many other ways to sabotage yourself mentally without overeating.  None of which are recommended.) And I pay attention to my food.  Like actually sit down, put the phone/ipad/laptop/tablet device away and contemplate the flavours on my palate, type pay attention.  And I am grateful.  For the way I can taste food, and buy food, and prepare food.  And for the farmers and stores that make it accessible to me.

I am also vegetarian.

(Side note: Actually vegetarian is only a half truth.  I will only spend money on food that is vegetarian when given an option. Sometimes, on the rare occasion I am out for dinner and there is no vegetarian option, or such option is “plate of vegetables” I will order fish, and also when back home visiting family I will eat whatever my family chooses to provide me. My sister calls it freetarian  as I will eat free food!)

Anyway I find that in the 5 year transition to this lifestyle I have done years of research and reading and self examination about my beliefs, and diet, and health.

“So what?” You say

So I have spend a ton of my life paying attention.  I believe that you can live a healthy life by listening to your body.  And using the rule of moderation.  Including using moderation in moderation.

Wash your hands before dinner yes.  As for clean food, I do prefer mine without bugs or grit, but a quick rinse of the local, organic fare usually does the trick.

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