Tag Archives: balance

Rock My World.

I have no idea what is happening to me.

I remember a time, back in my preteens when I felt emotionally stable, and had the ability to reason and was humble.  Just this morning I welled up with tears reading about how someone else’s kid had won the kid’s marathon she competed in (this was a complete stranger by the way).  And yesterday when a friend contacted to me to say I’m just not the same recently, and seem less caring and available, I welled up.

It’s like I set myself on some sort of path early on that just didn’t end up where I thought it would.  I followed the path, and instead of ending up in a meadow I seem to be surrounded by stinging nettle and wild blackberry thorns.  I followed the goddamn path! So what happened?

In my search for answers I am devouring anything that comes my way.  Reading Stroke of Insight currently, I am convinced my left brain has hijacked my sense of path.  (It is the side that defines us, holds our ego and provides me with my constantly babbling judgey voice.)  So Left Brain as much as I appreciate your ability to help me rationalize, reason and find my body in space, I am only allowing 1/2 of your input from now on.  Right Brain bring it on.  Let’s be in the moment and be one with the earth (or something).  I’m tired of feeling alone and insecure.  I want to be more connected, to everything.

And all the recent crying…I think it’s my soul wanting a change in direction.  Good thing I am an overly organized/ nurse background/ plan for anything type.  I’m sure I must have packed hedge clippers for the blackberries and Benadryl for the reaction to the nettle. Way to go left brain!  Now shut up so we can get going.


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Yoga Polka

I taught my first non-family, non-friend yoga class recently.  Yoga to complete strangers.  A class made up of a local mommy group.  I was so excited.  I spent way to long making a music playlist…okay I’ll be honest most of the time was spent figuring out how to work itunes playlist settings and attempting to get music onto my iphone.  I NEVER do things like this.  It’s Jack’s territory.  I tell him what I want (usually by humming tunes, because I can’t actually name artists or songs) and he magically makes them appear on my devices.  So for my first yoga class I geared up my tech savvy.  I’ve been creating a list of songs in my head for a few weeks now, trying my best to recall artists and songs.  Just FYI: humming doesn’t work when you’re speaking to a computer.  And once I had a list (written down on paper or course!) voila onto my iphone the songs went!

Also note to self: need to gently break the news to Jack that my awesome list of songs may have included a few too many itunes song purchases.  Despite our MEGA drive of his music, it is sorrowly lacking in the music I hear in my head.  Yes the music is there, next to the judgy voices and a few other things 🙂  It’s a crowded place that head of mine.

Next up I revamped my wardrobe.  Side thought – is it called a ‘war’ drobe because at some point in time people were gearing up for war?  Most of what I do is for fun…would that make it my fundrobe?  After all, for the past 2 months that Sawyer was allowed at the gym’s childcare I think I have been 5-6 times every week.  Some weeks I go everyday.  This makes my life full of laundry loads as I only have so much “war” gear for athletic activity that will wick away sweat and look good doing it!  So with added weekly teaching of yoga I need some new gear.  Can you feel my rationalization here?

Note to self: Also need to prepare Jack for upcoming credit card bill with added “war”drobe essentials.  Remember to mention the great 15% discount I now get for being a yoga instructor! (rationalize, rationalize, rationalize)

Then onto my yoga practice plan.  I have spent hours fawning over my teaching training yoga notes and contemplating how to teach a practice that not only leaves the participants physically worked (but not overworked) but balanced.  Picking and choosing poses so as not to overstimulate the nervous system (this class is a late night one and I greatly value the need for sleep).  So after all this preparation I was ready.  And excited.  Oh so excited.  Not scared-excited like before international border crossing, airport travel with a small child, unattended by the father where I need a signed parental release, passport, VISA verification, marriage certificate, birth certificate, vaccination status and history of preschool attendance, sick to my stomach the whole time, unable to eat, run to the bathroom every 15 minutes ‘excited’.  This was the good kind.

Fast forward to the yoga.  Only two of the three participants showed up. Granted we are all moms, with multiple small kids.  (Anything could have gone wrong, especially if the kids get wind we want to do something for ourselves.)  So off to practice two out of three!  After my relaxing and centering breathing sequence my new students starting chatting about how they knew one another, and asking about what brought me to this city.  One had to also check for texts…in case hell was breaking loose with hubby and small children at home.

Enter screaming child in the background.  (We were afterall at another mom’s home.)  No problem though, her husband was learning how to deal with parenting 101: calming the crying infant.


Drawing attention back to practice we started with music.  Great music, which they immediately wanted to know the name of the artist so they could also get said music (wtf? I don’t know it’s on the paper list at home. Yoga people! Yoga!!!!)


Back to breathing.

Now sweep arms up… Attempting to cycle through a sun salute one of my students fell over. Literally.  Lost her balance and fell over.  Granted she did warn me before class she was new to this.  And perhaps not the ‘athletic’ type.  I looked at my perfectly balanced prepared yoga practice notes.  My ego fell over.  Literally lost it’s balance and fell over.  I was new to this!  How do I teach without a lesson plan?  We as a class couldn’t hold downward dog without falling over and I had high hopes of triangle pose?  Half moon? HA! So after I brushed off my bruised ego, I remember my very first yoga teacher training class.  The words were clear in my head.  It was almost like when people speak of having epiphanies and a voice just comes to them out of the cloud and booms: “You are all BABIES at yoga.  You will be teaching beginners.  You need to learn to teach BASICS.”  Thank god I listened because for the next hour, between texts and a screaming infant that’s exactly what I did. I think we did a total of 3 poses.  And my students were happy (well at least that what they said, as one rushed out the door to save her husband and still-not-sleeping kids and the other went to the room of the in-house crying child to try and get them to sleep).  I think it went well.

Next time I’ll lower my expectations.  Maybe show up in sweatpants and just play whatever album I’m listening to that day and see where it takes us 🙂  I love the shaking up and breaking of life patterns this yoga class provided.  The A frame of my personality needs a good shake now and then.

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What I tell you: I am a certified yoga instructor!!!

What you interpret: Wow this youthful, pretty mom has two kids AND teaches yoga!! I can’t believe it! (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating here a tad)

The truth: I got certified as a yoga instructor in my 7th month of pregnancy.  Do you have any idea what that means?  It means while carrying a small child in my belly I did silly things like inversions where I was upside down.  If you ever want to do something that feels odd I recommend trying that!  Your centre of balance is totally off, your organs and guts are internally shifted on the way up to the inversion and back down, and whilst you do it and teach others to do it the kid inside of you is kicking and punching your kidneys to let you know that something is most definitely wrong.  Not that they have actually officially found any problem with those poses in pregnant women.

This also means that I gave birth before I started formally teaching (friends and family don’t count) and had to wait a good many months before I resurfaced and had gotten enough sleep to feel like I could formulate sentences again.  And then with the international move I am now in a new environment, and not an active part of the current community of yoga.  Trying to break in is hard.

I am a member of a gym which I go to almost everyday as they provide awesome childcare…leaving me free to do what I want BY MYSELF within the gym area.  This usually includes working my muscles past the point of exhaustion, then having a shower by myself *heaven* aka no peek-a-boo sessions with a crying infant, and maybe a few minutes in the sauna.  I engaged this wonderful facility in the following conversation: I would like to teach yoga, for FREE, if you provide the childcare.  They jumped at the opportunity.  Only to find out that I have to be an employee…problem numero uno. Or an independent consultant…problem numero deux.

Problem numero uno: I am not legally entitled to work in this country as I am a dependent on my husband’s work permit (which brings up a whole other ball of wax I will address at a later date.  I HATE being dependent!)

Problem numero deux: I am not legally entitled to work in this country as I am a dependent on my husband’s work permit.  So even if I founded my own company, as a foreigner I still could not work without the proper permits.  And as a yoga instructor…we are a dime a dozen, so the likelihood of a permit for a foreigner is next to nil.

Which brings me to my local community listserve…where I advertised free yoga.  Good idea? Bad idea? So far a bunch of moms have contacted me saying they would love free yoga and for me to let them know where they can attend.  Sigh.  If I knew that I wouldn’t be advertising, because if I had access to a studio, that would mean I knew people.  And if I knew people that would mean I am already a part of the community.  And as a part of the community I would already be subbing for other people’s classes or doing my own studio-endorsed karma yoga.  I think I need a better business plan.  Nothing ever comes for free it seems.  Including teaching ‘free’ yoga.

I did try to break in to the yoga community here.  The one class I was able to find which offered childcare included an hour and a half session of “opening my heart and bouncing off my cosmic trampoline.” Now I’m not one who has ever done drugs, or studied advanced physics of parallel universes where cosmic trampolines might exist.  But I do know that thus far they do not exist in my world, or my yoga practice.  So until then I’ll stick to regular trampoline bouncing, and leave the cosmos to star gazing on clear nights.  And maybe keep my fingers crossed that opening my heart might just be enough.

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